Christmas, etc.

Christmas came stealthily and attacked.
It came when most expected, all signs leading up to it, yet when it appeared, it caught me off gaurd. Even now, Christmas day's eve and I still can't believe it's here. Maybe it's the fact that all the Christmas movies that I've watched this year are ones that my mom and I can decide to watch on any regular day (Elf, While You Were Sleeping, You've Got Mail). Maybe it's because Christmas music began to play on the radio weeks before Thanksgiving even arrived. Maybe it's because I wasn't specifically looking for anything in Christmas this year. Maybe it's because another year is almost over and I'm not ready for it to be.

Why do the days happen so fast? Why do people automatically assume that I'm older than I am? I'm freaking growing up and I'm just not ready. Yes, I hear that growing up is overrated, but that doesn't mean I can stop it from happening.

I can no longer see the sheep through the sides of the crate. I must have become
like the grownups. I must have grown old.

And I can't see the sheep, and I don't want this to happen, so I pretend to see the sheep. But what good does that do? That makes me a liar, another thing most grownups find themselves doing.

And so I just go with the flow of life. I shave my legs, and straighten my hair and put cover up on every morning. And it's boring, and I try to grab life and eat it, but I find myself typing things like this and reading every sentence after I type it and think about how stupid it sounds and how stupid I'm being. So why do I put on makeup and blow dry my hair? Because if those things make my life boring, I can just delete them and solve my problem. But I can't do that, because I worry about all those small things. And I want to scream and blow my brains out and think about how selfish I'm being.

And then I realize how much sense this is not making, so I stop trying to make it sound good and hit the publish button.